Asperger's Face

"If you’ve met one person with autism,

you’ve met one person with autism." - Stephen Shore

Asperger's is on the autism spectrum*, and so if you've met one person with Asperger's you've met one person with Asperger's. Meaning, that people on just about any spectrum that defines any difference from the norm are as mixed a group as people in general. As a result, over generalizing and thinking you know what to expect when interacting with a person with Asperger's (AS) would be a prescription for misunderstanding.  Perhaps much more so than over generalizing and expecting that you know what to expect from most people in general. Though becoming educated about Asperger's, might make our worlds a little nicer and our ability to communicate with you a little better. That is, if you can keep yourself from believing that all Asperger's generalizations apply to all individuals with Asperger's, leaping to conclusions about our behavior, and turning your assumptions about us into facts when you are interacting with us.

As I may have mentioned previously (and may mention again), I received the Asperger's diagnosis later in life, which is typical of women (for possibly a variety of reasons that I won't go into here).  It's been strangely empowering to finally be making sense of so much of my history, and oddly frightening now that I have some vague idea of how people may experience me beyond what's been obvious to me.  Not to mention aspects about myself that I thought had to do with personality when they have more to do with my brain's wiring.  (I had a similar experience when I received an ADD diagnosis and learned the ins and outs of how ADD can affect behavior, but not quite so profound.)

Today's blog is about Asperger's Face in particular.  Something that many of us with AS may contend with to varying degrees. Search for that phrase and you probably will not find it, though it is acceptably descriptive for this essay. About as easy to wrap up a concept as, say, the word neurotypical.  (Neurotypical or NT is the term used to describe people who are not on the autism spectrum.)


What do I mean by Asperger's Face?  Well, for example, one of my recent blogs was passed around Facebook, and on the very day that I was thinking, "You know, I ought to write a blog about Asperger's Face," someone commented that I might want to smile in the picture I use on my blog.  She apologized when I mentioned that I have Asperger's Face.  No need to apologize.  People don't know what they don't know and/or don't have experience with.  I know I didn't know, and I've lived with this face and the uncomfortable sensation that I'm not the person in the picture my whole life.

People with AS may have "problems with non-verbal communication, including the restricted use of gestures, limited or inappropriate facial expressions [the primary topic of today's blog], or a peculiar, stiff gaze."  (National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.)  I've read that people with AS are often judged by NTs as judgmental when people with AS tend not to be judgmental in general (and tend to be very loyal and honest).  This may be a direct result of Asperger's Face.  Also, we may frequently hear, "Cheer up" when we are feeling perfectly splendid and quite happy.  Again, Asperger's Face.  (No doubt NTs have these experiences as well; however, they may be more common for people with Asperger's.)

My face is flat much of the time, though I can be very animated when I'm talking. (This animation may be more true of women with AS in particular.) It's easy to see how a flat face or a stiff gaze in response to someone talking might make the other person feel judged.  I've had people actually say to me something like, "I thought you were judgmental when I first met you and I have found that you are far from it."  That always puzzled me.  That and people thinking I must be a vegetarian (when I'm far from that too).  Perhaps non-vegetarians think vegetarians are judging them.

It's also easy to see how a face that spends much of it's time being flat might be mistaken for a depressed face.  Certainly almost all of my pictures reflect this reality: happy inside and looks wan or depressed outside.  Of course, with ME/CFS I might just be exhausted when I'm looking flat, particularly if I am flat faced when talking. I'd not be surprised to find out that people with ME/CFS, while being told "you don't look sick," are being judged depressed or insensitive because their faces often reflect the flatness of exhaustion.  (This may help explain why doctors write in patient charts "depressed" when the patient says s/he is not.)  If so, then they'd be experiencing what it is like to live with AS Face.

Or perhaps a person might see "bitch face." Hey, I didn't coin that phrase, though I resemble that remark. (See this illustration for that visual and it's tag line, "This is just how my face looks.")

You could project all sorts of emotions onto a flat face (or a face not behaving the way you might expect).  I guess it might depend on the inclinations of the person reading the face. For example, how she is feeling in general, how she is feeling about the other, and/or how she is feeling about herself.

Add to that that people with AS tend to be talkers (described as "active but odd"), particularly if one is a woman with ADD as well, and that their behavior may fall outside the NTs expectations, related as the behavior might be to missing or not making sense of social cues.  And therein lies a prescription for drawing all sorts of unflattering conclusions about the AS person's character: that we are insensitive, self centered, lack empathy, etc.

I've never liked getting my picture taken.  Rarely does a camera capture me in animated expressions.  I can't be animated on cue, say, following a suggestion that I "smile for the camera." Smiles that don't come from genuine laughter look not just fake to the trained eye, but very strained and affected. Believe me, I've tried and I find the results, well, frighteningly Stepford only worse. (I suppose had I worked with an acting coach I might have learned how to do this.)  My father also gave painful, strained smiles for the camera.  While I doubt my Dad was on the autism spectrum, I think he came very close.

When I see an animated picture of myself, I look more like or just like who I feel like. In my early 20s, I saw myself in a video engaged in an animated discourse, and I was much relieved that I didn't look like the woman I see in the mirror, the woman with the flat face.  As you might imagine, I don't spend much time in front of a mirror.  It's no fun looking at a flat-faced stranger looking back.  I learned long ago, when I had bad acne as a teen, to not worry about what I saw in the mirror and to go out into the world with confidence.  (My ex-Y told me that was one of the things that attracted him to me: my confidence in light of the acne. Yes, can you imagine someone combining acne with attraction and also being able to receive that as a compliment?  ::Claire laughing at the memory.::)

To the flatness, add the contradictory expressions that may cross the faces of AS people.  For example, if I am not laughing or giving a huge, natural smile, a grin may appear as a frown.  A larger grin may appear as a flat line, more like a grimace.  Imagine getting that from me in public in reaction to a minor faux pas on your part?  I think I'm communicating "Hey, you're human, I'm with you, I can relate," and you're getting a face that might have you thinking, "What a judgmental fussbudget!"

Or I may get out a half frown and a half smile, the sort that experts say is reflective of sarcasm, and perhaps it is.  Most of my wedding pictures capture this look, which for me might have reflected my thoughts, "You want a smile, THIS is the best I can do for you; you're not getting the Stepford look from me today." Luckily, someone captured some wonderful photos of both my father and me smiling broadly as my Dad walked me down the aisle (um, the front porch of a good-sized, plain country home).

It's only in recent years that I've discovered my forehead.  I know that sounds funny strange, but until a few years ago I had no lines on my forehead despite being over 50 years of age, save for the crease between my eyes from squinting in the sun. Then, I started a medical protocol (for my ME/CFS) that increased my light sensitivity and required that I wear specialized sunglasses, even while inside my home for the first two years. Three different shades of sunglasses that were often either too dark or too light for the ambient light, with the too dark lenses preferred because they decreased the chances of my having a strong neurological reaction in response to the light.

The trouble with wearing sunglasses all the time that don't adjust to the ambient light is that I quite naturally feel, "If I just open my eyes wider I'll see better"--that is, I'll be able to allow more light into my eyes. And in that useless effort, I started raising my eyebrows.  Now, I can actually feel my both my forehead and my eyebrows and know how to use them, appropriately or not. Regardless, I'm making up for lost time. You should see my new wrinkles. ::Claire laughing:: Yeah, I'm sort of proud of them.

Combine all of what might represent the challenges of our living with Asperger's with our obvious competencies--whatever they may be--and you have such a mixed bag of messages about who we are that it would be easy to not take our word--what we say we are actually feeling and meaning by our words and our deeds--seriously. No, it's beyond the realm of possibility that a person can be both insightful and obtuse or bright and slow at the same time or behave in a way that is logically consistent for them but not obvious to someone else. (See, some of us with Asperger's understand sarcasm, particularly if we're being sarcastic. Personally, while I understand blatant sarcasm, or what appears blatant to me, I'm pretty certain that I miss more subtle forms. Particularly if someone's intent is not playful, but cutting or mean spirited, and not consistent with what I think I know about the person's character. Oh, I might pick up on the meanness, but have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that information. So hints delivered to me via sarcasm typically miss the mark. Um, hints in general almost always miss the mark with me. Spell it out people!... and be open to negotiating a more satisfactory outcome.)

If we are insightful about human nature in general and yet, also present as obtuse when it comes to day-in and day-out interpersonal interactions, and if we behave in ways that others are not expecting because of Asperger's Face, missed cues of all sorts, failure to understand what's expected of us in a situation, our being clueless about someone's motivation, and/or a strict (some might call it rigid) adherence to our principles, it's not surprising when NTs don't understand why we do what we do--that is, what motivates us.  And NTs thought it was all about how we don't understand what motivates them.  Well... that too.

Make what you will of this.  I'm sharing my human experience; it's what I do.  I invite you to do the same (below).


Note: If I have in some small way helped one person better understand how Asperger's* can affect someone's life, if I've helped one person to pause before s/he leaps to a conclusion and decide to check out his/her perceptions, then I've done my job here. 

*AS is being officially made a part of autism spectrum disorder and losing its separate label in new DSM 5. When this change comes about, my neuro-psychologist will refer to me--my difference of being in the world--, as someone who is a high-functioning autistic.   


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Asperger's Face T-shirt

THIS is what Asperger's looks like T-shirt

Asperger's Puzzle T-shirt

Asperger's Puzzle Mug

NT World - Asperger's Minefield T-shirt

NT World - Asperger's Minefield Mug

Fortitude is my attitude! T-shirt (can choose all different styles of tees with most designs)

Fortitude is my attitude! Mug (can choose all different styles of mugs with most designs)

Fortitude is my forte T-shirt

Fortitude is my forte Mug

I love the [person] who (Thomas Paine quotation) T-shirt

Love is Now with this reality T-shirt

Toxic Love not accepted here (If I can't project my childhood trauma dramas onto you, who can I project them onto?) T-shirt

Who Can I Project Them Onto - Mug