What Women Want

::NOTE:: Aspergian is term used to describe someone who's brain is not wired like a neurotypical (NT) person. Neurotypical is a term used to describe people not on the autism spectrum. Sometimes Aspergians refer to themselves as Aspies and others say they have Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Personally, I don't have Asperger's; Asperger's has me. It is a part of who I am.  

As Aspergian who is also a lesbian, I think I am uniquely qualified to speak to straight men about what women want. Ahem, do I have your attention?

Although I have ME and am not currently in a relationship, I like being in relationship and remain hopeful that that could happen in the not too distant future. (Next week would be good.) Having been diagnosed as Aspergian only recently, much of my life's experience finally makes sense to me. This sense making has led me to begin sorting through past relationships to see how my difference in wiring might have affected my relationships in ways I'd never before considered.

Before going further, I should probably mention that some people say that being Aspergerian is like having an extreme male brain. Women with Asperger's have been known to object to that characterization. I understand that. You see, we've been socialized to be women and we just might share a goodly number of traits with NT women. And while I can't speak for other Aspergerian women, I can say that I share a lot of traits with both men and women. (At least I think I do.)

Like most women, I'll work to identify what I have in common with other women as a way to bond, but when thrown in with men engaged in one-upmanship, I can hold my own... or do you one better. Men have frequently told me I "think like a man." Indeed, in the past, I've had male co-workers point out attempts to emasculate me by insecure men. Yeah, I have ticked off some men simply by thinking, talking, and going about my work the way that I do. At the same time, my leadership style is inclusive and cooperative, which is more characteristic of women leaders.

Moving back to the topic of love relationships, I've come to the conclusion that aside from thinking like a man, I'm also at least as clueless in relationship as the "typical" man when it comes to some things; in part, because I tend to miss body language and facial cues. And when I do catch them, unless facial cues and body language match tone of voice and the words spoken, I often cannot make sense of the communication. Indeed, my brain sees a mismatch as odd. I've found that when asked about the mismatch, most people give a less than honest response (I know this by the number of baseball bats I've received upside my head later). So most of the time I store the oddity in my brain with the idea that I'll one day make sense of it. The problem is... sense making rarely happens. Not by the other when asked or by me.

The cues I understand come in the form of words--direct ones at that. I don't do indirect. Don't expect me to read between the lines or mind read 'cause it ain't happening. All my mind reading--almost all my perceived perceptiveness, almost all my insight into my partner--is based on the WORDS that are said to me over time. Also, I take words at face value. I am not equipped with the translator that tells me what "fine" or "nothing" means in women's speak--what appears to be the art of indirect communication at its apex. However, my use of the word "appears" is misleading: I can only infer that indirect communication happens when I speak with women (and also men to a lesser degree) as a result of the aforementioned baseball bats. Sighing to me means you're tired, and your upper lip curling means you have gas. If you hide your feelings and expect me to read your mind, your feelings STAY hid.

It's likely that the combination of all that makes me more obtuse than the typical man. It's that obtuseness--just a step away from most men's cluelessness (a large step away from a sensitive man)--combined with my ability to be insightful that probably makes a woman I am in relationship with feel as if I am (pick a word or phrase) not sensitive to her needs and feelings, overly rational, self-centered, etc. (In my defense, I'd like to mention that I notice new shoes, clothes, and hairstyles on women and gay men--the people who outwardly appreciate that sort of notice, my attitudes about love and sex fit within that which is stereotypically feminine, and I know not to tell a woman that her ass looks big in those jeans.)

All of which I think makes me particularly qualified to share some recent searing insights. I mean, if I can have an insight that helps me better understand women, it just might benefit you, Mr. Typical Man.

Well, I've already told you the first: My obtuseness might make a woman think wrongly that I don't care about her feelings and/or don't think her needs are important. And I need to assure her (now that I have some clue how obtuse I may be) that that is not the case. Don't tell me this does not sound familiar. o.O

The biggest surprise in my journey of discovery has been in figuring out what women might want from me when it comes to them sharing their trials and tribulations with me. Actually, it's more that I better understand why I do the terribly wrong thing I do at just the terribly wrong time. And seriously, this wrong is not so terrible or so wrong when I do it with female friends--they seem to take it in stride--, but female lovers? Ay yai yai! Yep, it's the trigger for a lover's meltdown or withdrawal.

You see... I understand that women usually want to be held and comforted when they are upset. As a former mediator, I also know from experience that when faced with a problem, people tend to come up with more elegant solutions than what a know-it-all mediator might suggest (I know this by holding my tongue and believing in them and the process), and so it makes perfect sense to me that my lover does not want me to solve her problems for her, and she doesn't want my input unless SHE TELLS ME she wants my input. And as a result of my experience as a crisis counselor, trainer, and a mediator, I am a practiced listener (something that, unfortunately, tends to fly out the window when I'm not in a work role). So, I know that empathetic listening requires me, the listener, to validate both the feelings and the facts of whatever is troubling my honey because I've seen the power of empathetic listening first hand.

Given ALL THAT, I have not been able to figure out why I cannot put my knowledge and skills into practice when my woman is upset over something. Instead, I jump right into problem solving and my partner ends up not feeling heard. Worse, when I hunker into solution finding mode, the woman I thought was so fabulous that I decided to spend my whole life with her might think I think she's stupid and can't handle her problem on her own, and if I'm light hearted and turn the lemons into lemonade, she might think that I think her concern is silly.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, suggests in the book I'm reading that men who are at a loss over how to comfort their wives consider how it is they comfort a small child, someone with whom they have a secure attachment. (Why? Because when a partner comes to us in pain, our partner is telling us s/he needs to make connection, and that connection is the same sort of attachment need we had as children, hardly changed. One that we tend to be embarrassed over in its child-like neediness.) I'm hoping she has a "how to" later in the book because how I comfort a small child is to comfort first and talk later. I understand the hug first, talk and problem solve later needs of a child.

Seriously, if someone did that to me--did the hug first and talk later thing--I'd feel discounted (unless someone I care about dies because you can't solve dead). And I have a hard time believing that a lover would want me to hug first and talk later. My lover can problem solve with me until the cows come home, and if I eventually get that hug and cuddle that I also need, everything would be copacetic. Indeed, I was once married to a man, and I did not find him to be in the least bit deficient when he responded to my troubles and tribulations in the way I respond to a woman. And if I wanted him to just listen, I'd have said so. However, I valued his input. I felt loved. Heck, I knew I was loved... based on his behavior. The same terribly wrong thing that gets me into trouble.

So I asked a couple of women friends, both NTs and Aspies, to help me out. An NT friend told me that by jumping into solution finding right away I was hurting my woman even more by forcing her to deal with something when she was not yet ready. Hmmm... that had never occurred to me. An Aspie friend told me that she'd have the same response as me to someone hugging first and talking later, but that if it felt unnatural to me to hug straight away, then empathetic listening would be the best next step before the hug. And of course, both told me that I ought to not problem solve unless asked.

Several Aspie friends said I'd be better off in a relationship with another Aspie lesbian. How many Aspergian lesbians do they think there are who would also consider being in a relationship with a disabled person? There are probably more mountain lions in the Appalachian Mountains than there are women who fit that bill. (Note that there have been no official sightings of mountain lions in the Appalachian Mountains, though the official word is that they most likely exist.)

At any rate, in recounting to my Aspie friend that I know I'm supposed to listen empathetically and not problem solve, I problem solve. I do it anyway, straight away. And here's the thing: I do it because when my woman comes to me hurt over something that has happened in her life, I want to stop the bleeding. I don't want my woman hurting; it hurts to see her hurt. And I've realized something BIG: I think solution finding stops the bleeding when most of the time it rips the wound even more. It's like pouring peroxide into a cut. The wound in need of healing, more often than not, is the need to be heard and comforted. One that necessitates a "What's wrong honey?" and either a gentle or firm application of pressure to the wound of the hand-holding or body-hugging kind.

If I am ever lucky enough to be in a relationship again, my wired-in inclination to apply the wrong kind of pressure at the wrong place at the wrong time and my inability to read minds, I will need a partner who is willing to risk telling me what works best for her. That is, what makes her feel heard and comforted. I've come to realize that people tend to resist asking to have their needs met and sharing their feelings for all sorts of reasons. Worse, what if our partner ignores our pleas for support? Yet, sharing our needs and feelings is at the very core of intimacy. If we want intimacy, we must take the risk. Repeatedly. It's quite a conundrum, particularly when you consider that none of us come factory ready to meet the specific attachment needs of our partners without some instruction.

Attachment, as Dr. Johnson points out, is a dance we do. However, we're often pre-programmed from childhood to injure ourselves on the dance floor. And our pre-programing is often out of step with our partner's, which compounds our injuries. Speaking for myself, some of my Aspie sisters and brothers, and also for Mr. Typical Man, some of us may need more direct and patient instruction from our partners to get in step because we are wired differently than Ms. Typical Woman.

We also need Ms. Typical Woman to remember that it's a two-way dance. We can hold out our hands to each other and be each other's guides or do our own thing and insist that the other leads or follows our particular dance without translation, without instruction and while blindfolded. This is to say, both people in the relationship need to translate, instruct, and help open the eyes of the other. Every single time we feel wounded in relationship we can choose to either move toward our partner and attempt to dance in step by taking a risk to reveal what has triggered our hurt or we can choose to be out of step by attacking or withdrawing. Our choice.

"Remember to let her into your heart." 
— John Lennon


Addendum: Note that the book by Dr. Johnson, Hold Me Tight, is wonderful and the therapy is proven. I recommend picking up a CD and listening to it along with your partner.