What Am I Practicing?

Sometimes when I am going through a difficult time, I find the need to write down what I know about whatever to stay clear about my intentions. When my ex and I were going through our break up, "What am I practicing?" was written as a guide for my behavior through that difficult time. I posted the guide in my bedroom, on my bathroom mirror, and on my refrigerator. I may have also carried a copy around with me in my purse (um, I'm pretty sure I did).

I can't say I always practiced what I preached to myself. Indeed, there are things that I would undo if I could even if what I did, I did out of my highest truth. Our breakup was traumatic for me because I was very ill with ME/CFS--very much in need of my partner's love and support. Suffice it to say, it became painfully evident over a short period of time that I was wrong in believing that I was as deeply loved by my partner as she was by me. I can say, however, that despite feeling traumatized, I gave my best given, what was for me, head-spinning circumstances.

In the months that followed, I also purchased a small wooden chest--a treasure chest of sorts--, a stack of gift tags, and a girly pen and penholder (for the pen and blank tags). As a gift to myself, on each tag I wrote down some lesson I was learning as a result of the relationship and the breakup--lessons about me, lessons about love, etc. Many of these lessons were lessons that I'd already learned and had served me well during the break up regardless of how in artful I may have been at times. And some were lessons I very much need to learn... like how to pay attention to my intuition. Eventually, I emptied the treasure chest of those gifts to myself and filled it with dreams for the future.

Today, I stumbled upon the contents of the treasure chest. While I had thrown out all my written processing of the most painful of happenings--I wrote down my observations and reactions to them on little slips of paper, as if they were thought streams and as I thought of them, and I placed them in a whine bag for safe keeping--, I had saved the treasured gifts to myself because I knew one day I'd want to review the good that came out of all the pain. Indeed, when I found myself having recurring thoughts about what happened--memories of happenings that had already been panned for nuggets of truth and were only causing me additional suffering--, I'd write them down and put them in the whine bag. (A real life, festive glittery wine bag.) Later, if the thought came up again, I'd remind myself that IT--the hurtful memory--was "in the bag," and so I did not need to rethink the ugliness to remember the lesson. Then, I'd take the lesson, see the power in it, and write that on a gift tag.

There were a whole series of gift tags--nearly a hundred of them--with statements that started with "The power of..." because the creation and the destruction of a love relationship is a powerful and informing experience. (Only a portion follows.)

"The power of accepting uncertainty and impermanence."
"The power of understanding: (1) life is not fair, (2) life is hard."
"The power of white hot rage to be a cleansing and clarifying fire."
"The power of that small voice in the night that tells me to stumble on."
"The power knowing I loved [my ex] with my whole heart and did my best in relationship, and the power of knowing I was not perfect."
"The power of speaking your truth."

"The power of real or no deal... tough love, tough choices, and tough lessons."

"The power of saying 'Enough!'"

"The power of knowing that while [my ex] chose to leave, it was her choice. Her choice and the end the end of our relationship are okay."

"The power of holding [my ex] in the light."
"The power of loving kindness, compassion, and understanding."
"The power of trusting my own intuition." And the related power: "The power to see it and believe it."
"The power of learning once again that new normals are possible... even desirable!"
"The power of goodbye."
"The power of 'goodbye'--'God be with Ye."
"The power of allowing loose ends to settle."
"The power of doggie love." (Thank goodness for the love of animals!)
"The power of deeply felt grief."
"The power of taking the time to heal."
"The power of recovery and discovery."
"The power of remaining open to love."
"The power of letting go of anger so there is room for love to grow."
"The power of attracting healthy, spiritually growth conscious people into my life who are good to and for me."
"The power of discernment."

Additionally, like many who have lost at love, I clipped quotations about love and life from various sources. Some reminded me of the harsh lessons I'd learned while others reminded me of my good heart. "Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart." (Confucius) Susan Wittig Albert set me free to figure out how to live again by writing the following in Bloodroot (just one of a series of books about her protagonist China Bayles, an ex attorney, herb store proprietor and amateur sleuth in a small Texas town):

But I who have been so long bound by the ties of love to a man who misused my trust and betrayed my faith now refuse to be any longer bound to him. And so this [is]... a declaration of my refusal to be held captive. It is a declaration of my independence." (page 176, Bayles, reading from a family diary.)

Maya Angelou reminded me to "Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time." Because love cannot grow where bitterness has taken root, Angelou's call to courage also reminds me to focus on healing so that I can trust love yet again if my life is graced with the possibility of love.

I found a copy of What Am I Practicing? in among all those gifts, and I decided I'd revamp the intro to make it clearer and share the queries with you on the chance you'd find them useful.

What Am I Practicing?

Although I can mind my thoughts and feelings with practice, I cannot stop them altogether. Thoughts and feelings come and go. By minding my thoughts and feelings, I can practice good mental hygiene.

I can mind my mind and do my best to avoid feeding emotions/thoughts that will likely lead to direct actions I will regret. And if my emotions or thoughts spiral in a harmful direction, I can take charge of my outward behavior because what I want to do in the moment when upset is not necessarily compatible with what I know to be my highest good. For example, when feeling anger, I can listen to my thoughts and my emotions and suss through and distinguish between righteous and self-righteous anger.

Instead of spiraling from righteous into self-righteous anger, instead of spiraling into damning thoughts and actions, I can ask, "What is the hurt behind my anger?" I can acknowledge and own the hurt, acknowledge and own the sadness, own and grieve my losses, show concern where I think it appropriate, and move on.

I can sit with all my feelings and honor all of them. As difficult as it may be, I can sit with all of the pain I am feeling, I can experience my grief, because I know that I will eventually make enough room in the present moment to love myself whole. That is, I know I can survive the pain. I can also make my best effort to feed whatever supports my highest good, without ignoring my pain, without dishonoring my experience. And I can choose to respond rationally to thoughts that might harm others or myself with truths that speak to my highest good.

To guide my behavior in the spirit of love, I will ask myself the following questions regarding my thoughts and intended actions.

• Will this behavior keep me on my path to my highest good? (Am I practicing behaviors that my highest self desires for me?)

• Will this behavior help lead to inner peace? (Am I practicing behaviors that lead toward inner peace?)

• Will this behavior be in harmony with the woman I was born to be? (Am I practicing behaviors that lead to harmony within?)

• Will this behavior help calm me when I need to be calmed? (Am I practicing behaviors that will calm me when calming is needed?"

• Will this behavior lead to graciousness on my part when graciousness is appropriate (and graciousness is much more often than not appropriate), even if only for my own sanity? (Am I practicing gracious behaviors?)

• Will this behavior help heal others or me? (Am I practicing behaviors that heal?)

• Will this behavior engender trust and cooperation? (Am I practicing behaviors that engender trust and cooperation?)

• Will the behavior engender love in the world? (Am I practicing behaviors that engender love in the world?)

Note: I may have come across a list somewhere of similar questions and adapted some of them while adding my own to suit my needs. (Who knows? I was in quite the state when I wrote the guide.) I hope I have not taken anyone else's text verbatim and represented it as my own. I will remove such language or this post if necessary. :)