Kindness--Its Own Reward

Today, November 13, is World Kindness Day as decreed by the World Kindness Movement, which had it's first conference in 1998. News must travel slowly or I obviously out of the news loop, but I did not hear of World Kindness Day until last week. According to the World Kindness Movement website, "[t]he purpose of World Kindness Day is to look beyond ourselves, beyond the boundaries of our country, beyond our culture, our race, our religion; and realize we are citizens of the world. As world citizens we have a commonality, and must realize that if progress is to be made in human relations and endeavors, if we are to achieve the goal of peaceful coexistence, we must focus on what we have in common...."

However, World Kindness Day is not just about being open to understanding other cultures while being kind. It's also about everyday kindness... making a habit of kindness and ending the warring we do with others in all aspects of our lives. Today's essay on the World Kindness Movement's website poses the question: "Is what I am involved in at this moment promoting joining or separation?"

I have posed a similar question to myself in close relationships for years: "Is my behavior helping bring us closer together or further apart?" And I continually asked this about my behavior because of my commitment to understanding and closeness in relationship. I'd like to think that none of us enters into relationship hoping for its destruction; one of the things I've learned, however, is that people do what they do sometimes despite our efforts for reasons that we can hardly fathom. All we can do is give our best effort and let the chips fall where they may.

As someone with ME/CFS I've also learned that our best effort is affected by our health. Sometimes that's understood and taken into consideration by the people in our lives. Sometimes. And when it is not, sometimes the kindest thing we can do is move on, leaving people to their warring, their projections and delusions or perhaps seemingly brilliant insights into ours.

Here's what the Dalai Lama has to say about kindness: "My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness." (Tibet, a guide to the Land of Facination, 1988 by Triolok Chandra Majupuria and Indra Majupuria) "It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for yourself and others will come." (Kindness, Clarity, and Insight, 1984 by the Dalai Lama) His qualification, "as much as possible," jives with what I've learned in life. Relationships come and go. What's important is our attitude: "I feel that the essence of spiritual practice is your attitude toward others. When you have a pure, sincere motivation, then you have right attitude toward others based on kindness, compassion, love and respect. Practice brings the clear realization of the oneness of all human beings and the importance of others benefiting by your actions." (The Dalai Lama at Harvard: Lectures on the Buddhist Path to Peace, 1988, by Jeffrey Hopkins) 

I've also learned that having pure, sincere motivation--right attitude--is no guarantee that your kindness will be recognized or appreciated. Not that I expect appreciation or recognition. That's not the reason for practicing kindness. (I'm of the right hand ought not know what the left hand is doing school of kindness.) It never occurred to me that I might be treated badly as a result of practicing kindness. However, sometimes every kindness you extend will be examined for hidden motivations or be read into. In the end, we can't control how others receive us. If we could, the saying "No good deed goes unpunished" would not have gained traction.

As much as kindness has been a life-long practice--that is, as much as I've attempted to keep kindness in the forefront of all my interactions--, I fail at times. And I'm not talking about other people's misperceptions or distortions. I'm talking about missing the mark when it comes to behaving in a kind, compassionate, loving, and respectful manner.

At times, I have reached out and smacked someone... figuratively speaking. Sometimes, the slap is speaking truth in a way I think it might be heard--meaning, my motivations are still pure--because sometimes kindness is saying the thing that's hard to say without hubris, without ego, and with an understanding of human frailty--yours and the other person's. A sincere and direct effort to uncover unspoken perceptions and misperceptions of the sort that can drive wedge between two people if avoidance were to continue. Or in the alternative, a Zen slap so to speak to bring about a change in attitude; one that is intended to help the other get out of his own way, apply fresh attention, recognize his own truth, with no benefit being conferred to ones self.

At other times, well, I'm just someone who is hurting and whose truth speaking becomes hard edged, disrespectful. Meaning, my ego has gotten involved. Every time that happens it is humbling experience. One that I acknowledge when possible and keep in mind as I begin my practice once again.

Like the author(s) of today's World Kindness Movement essay, I believe that we can be co-creators of a better world. It's what causes me to resume kindness practice despite seemingly negative outcomes, despite my own failures. In response to their question "How can we hope to have a peaceful world when we are incapable of creating peace in our own lives?" Given what I've seen in my own life, I seriously doubt that we can have a peaceful world. Countries often appear to be like people: at different places in their personal development. Immature, angry, ego-centric, defensive or mature, kindhearted, inclusionary and open and receptive, and every combination in between. And countries/civilizations seem to progress like people: it's one step forward and two steps back, three steps forward and two steps back. Sometimes it feels as if we are hardly making progress at all.

My doubt about our ever achieving a peaceful world doesn't stop me from practicing kindness and hoping that my efforts contribute to a better world however. There's always tomorrow. One day we may all evolve enough to moderate our ego involvement so that we reach out and harm someone less often and actually forgive each other our transgressions (i.e., recognize and forgive our own and others' imperfections). Myself included.

The author also suggests that by asking ourselves on a regular basis the question "Is what I am involved in at this moment promoting joining or separation?" (i.e., will it bring people together or push them apart?), we would be reminded of our commitment to kindness. "All it requires is remembering. If our memory is not the best, small signs can be created and posted about the home and work environment." Coincidentally, this week, before learning about World Kindness Day, I purchased a "kindness" sign made out of wood block to remind me of my commitment to kindness.

After I became totally disabled, I found myself being treated with a level of unkindness that was quite nearly unparalleled in my experience of the world (some of which I written about in my blog). And although I had survived unkindnesses prior to total disability, my loving attitude toward others had somehow allowed me to remain relatively emotionally unscathed by the unkindnesses I encountered as an adult. Ces't la vie. Que sera sera.

Disability, however, was an eye opener. How people responded to me at my greatest time of need--from pitying to patronizing, controlling, avoiding, blaming, name calling, and undermining--eventually raised feelings in me that I can only imagine are the sort that lies behind the unkindness of others. Indeed, the feelings raised as the result of disability reminded me of some of the challenges I've faced as a woman, as a person with health issues seeking accommodation in the world of work, as a lesbian in society where my basic civil rights are not guaranteed. These feelings challenged and sometimes defeated my kindness practice. Mostly, though, I have had and continue to have some unkind thoughts that I know I must work through because, well, unkind thoughts can lead to unkind words and actions.

In the end, my experience in disability has given me a greater appreciation for the sorts of feelings that others must be struggling with to feel justified in behaving in an unkind manner. Actually, this whole disability experience reminds me of something that happened to me when I was 12. When I matriculated to the seventh grade, the school I attended was integrated for the first time. For a few months during that first year, some black boys took it upon themselves to stick white girls in their butts with stick pins. From what I could discern, we girls tried to take it it stride even as it quickened our stride. The boys anger was understandable and we girls were an easy target--that is, we weren't likely to strike back. While I don't know what, if any, abuse the black students suffered at the hands and mouths of white students, I know that I was subject to behaviors that had nothing to do with who I was or had been as a person (just as my fellow black students had not deserved the prejudice leveled at them by the dominant white culture). And this experience--being treated badly--challenged me to hold onto my values and to eschew prejudice.

And so I purchased the kindness sign to remind me to be kind to myself as I grieve and work through my unkind thoughts--stick pins of my own. (Stick pins that are mostly hurting me.) Also, I plan to use the sign to remind me to be kind to others, to behave, as much as possible, in a way I won't later regret. Most importantly, I want to use it to remind myself that kindness, like forgiveness, is its own reward.

I know not what your struggles might be when it comes to kindness, and I invite you to celebrate World Kindness Day with me by making a commitment to kindness. No matter the road we've journeyed, it's time.